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Introducing Your Boyfriend to Your Children

By Marina Sbrochi

You thought dating was hard the first time? Here you are, single again, but this time with children. You finally meet someone you really, really like and want to introduce him to your children. How do you go about it? What if your kids don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like your kids? What if it doesn’t work out?

Before you even think about introducing your children to your new boyfriend, you need to have been dating for at least six months. No, I’m not crazy and neither are you. Didn’t your last relationship end in divorce? You don’t want that to happen again and you certainly don’t want your children to go through that again. It takes at least six months to begin to really know a person. You don’t want to introduce someone and one month later have to explain to your children why they don’t see Mike anymore.

I would also advise that you let your ex-husband know you are introducing someone to your children. I find it’s respectful if you have a good relationship with your ex. So, take your time. It’s not a race to the altar again. Remember, it’s not just your life, it’s your kids life too.

I dated my boyfriend (now my husband) for six months before I introduced him to my children. I love my children too much to rush into anything with anyone. I had to be sure he would be in my life in for a long time. So, I decided to slowly introduce him as a friend.

First, I had a pool party with about four adult guests, including him. I just introduced him as a friend. We did five more group outings before We slowly began doing fun kids things – just the four of us. We waited another four months before we showed any affection (hand holding, kissing) in front of them. After that, we started holding hands and I told the kids he was my boyfriend. Three years and six months later, we are one super happy family – all because we took it slowly.

Here are a few ground rules for dating with children:

1. Have no Expectations. This is a casual event. You can’t force anyone to like anyone. Telling your children they have to be nice or like someone is a sure fire way to ruin it. Let everyone meet and form their own opinions.

2. Create a group Setting. Have the first 5 meetings be in a group setting. For instance, a backyard BBQ with friends and your new man. You introduce everyone as as friend and your children get the chance to know someone in a fun, relaxed, no pressure atmosphere. A group setting allows children to feel non threatened. No affection during these first 5 meetings either. He’s just a friend right now.

3. Go Slowly. Remember, you might be in love, but your children need time to get used to a new situation. Follow their cues. If you sense they are having issues, talk to them. Slow down if you have to. Trust me, going slow now will ensure you have success later.

4. There’s One Mom, One Dad. Reassure your children that they only have one mom and one dad. No one will replace either of you. I told my children this a few months after I introduced my then boyfriend to them. My son actually liked my boyfriend so much he wanted to call him dad. I had to take him aside and say, “I am so glad you like him! But you only have one mom and one dad.” He was 5, so I kept it age appropriate.

5. Make Rules for the New Family. As you begin to settle in together as a new group, it’s important for you to discuss how it plays out with your new partner. Have a long talk about expectations, discipline, money, education and anything else you might deal with. It’s a big deal merging families. You want your children to be happy in this new environment.

Dating after divorce can be tricky, but if you take your time and navigate the right way, it can be a win win for everyone. Make sure you are in love, and take your time. If he’s a great guy and you go slowly, your children will see what a great guy he is too.

Marina Sbrochi grew up in Dublin, Ohio and attended The Ohio State University, she’s a forever Buckeye. She is the IPPY Award-winning author of Stop Looking for a Husband: Find the Love of Your Life. She is a dating coach in Dallas, Texas. You can find more at stoplookingforahusband.com, on Facebook and on Twitter.

Comments

  1. December 2, 2013

    This article is really helpful. Since I started Fantasy Dating, I met two guys I really liked a lot. I introduced the first one to my son way too soon. When we broke up, my son was crushed. I think this author’s approach is great. I’m going to use the group setting if things go well with the guy I’m dating now. I’ll let you know in a few months! :)

    • fdadmin

      December 2, 2013

      We’re thrilled to hear the article is helpful. We’re also psyched that Fantasy Dating is working for you. Keep us posted on your progress!

  2. LuciousLush

    December 11, 2013

    My boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how I will meet his child – eventually. We’ve been together 4 months now, and although it is not urgent, we are excited to get the three of us together and see what magic happens. But I agree, it’s not wise to rush this at all. There’s plenty of time to do this right, assuming all continues to go as well as it has been (yay!), and REALLY the most important person to consider here is the child.

    • fdadmin

      December 11, 2013

      LuciousLush, you and your boyfriend are smart! And it sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight. Cheers to you for putting the child first!

  3. Singles Warehouse

    January 15, 2014

    Such an important time and it ha to be handled correctly. Amazing advice!

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