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Signs You Are in an Abusive Relationship

Although Fantasy Dating is all about having fun while dating, we have to acknowledge that there can be a dark side to dating. New love can be intoxicating, and if we’re not careful, sometimes dangerous.

Liz met a guy who was everything she wanted. He was a great cook, he loved to hike, he loved old movies and laughed at every joke she told. But on several occasions, while cooking her an amazing feast, he added a dash of wine to the food and consumed two bottles himself.

Liz recognized this guy as her type. The amazing storyteller, life of the party guy, just like her dad was, until he took it two sips too far and got angry.

But Liz had only seen her new boyfriend get angry once and it wasn’t at her. It was at the neighbor’s dog who crapped on his front walk. Frankly, she would have been a little pissed too. But afterwards, he took her to bed where they had the most explosive sex she’d ever experienced and she was pretty sure, that just as she was drifting off to sleep, he whispered, “I love you.”

Even though there were signs, she doubted there was a problem. In fact, she thought she was totally in love with him too. Red flags were glaring in her face, but she still thought maybe she was in love with him. Why?

Because it’s really hard to balance our emotional and logical wants and needs.

Emotionally, Liz wanted that guy to love her. Just like she wanted her dad to love her. She wanted that guy to need her and show her how important she was. Plus she wanted the thrill of the amazing sex and all the other fun things he had to offer.

But logically, she knew she’d just met him and already he’d blown up in front of her. Liz had heard Maya Angelou say, “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” She knew her boyfriend had showed her he was a hothead. He was her dad’s mini-me.

Logically, she knew where this would all end up. Yet, she continued to get in his bed.

Here’s what Liz needed to know. Loving him wasn’t going to change him. It wasn’t going to make him better, smarter, more productive or less of a angry person. Loving him was going to make Liz tired, angry and hurt.

Beyond that, loving him was not going to change her past or fix the damage in her relationship with her father. As strange as this sounds, sometimes we’re attracted to people because we want to heal events that took place in our childhood. For example, subconsciously, Liz may have felt that if she could make the relationship work with her boyfriend, it would resolve all the pain and hurt caused by her father.

But the reality was, only Liz could heal the relationship with her father. Instead of falling for the same type of guy again, Liz needed to focus on loving herself enough to choose someone who was not waving red flags in her face. She needed to love herself enough to say, “No” to someone who is not good for her.

Sometimes the people you date can seem amazing at first and then sprout red flags. Since they can be tough to spot, here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

-He is negative and complains often.

-He focuses on why something can’t be done, not how it can be done.

-He puts you down.

-He makes jokes at your expense.

-He wants to know where you are all the time.

-He is controlling.

-He makes plans for you.

-No matter what you do, it’s never good enough for him.

-He calls you names.

In addition, some signs of abuse are:

-He blames you for his shortcomings.

-He tells you what you can and cannot wear.

-He tells you who you can and cannot spend time with.

-He demands apologies when you don’t do anything wrong.

-He tells you you’re stupid.

-He makes you do things you don’t want to do.

The list goes on. The point is that anyone who makes you feel bad about who you are is abusing you. Someone doesn’t have to be violent in order to abusive. Verbal, emotional and sexual abuse are just as harmful as physical abuse. If you’re not sure whether or not someone is abusing you, follow this rule: love should not hurt.

If your relationship hurts, get help. Contact:

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline

http://www.thehotline.org/

1-800-799-7233

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

1-866-331-9474

Comments

  1. JennyKJ10

    September 9, 2014

    Love shouldn’t hurt. Wow. That’s powerful. I think that can be a good barometer for most relationships. Even if you’re not being abused but you’re just not being treated well, if you feel bad more than you feel good then it’s a sign to get out.

    • fdadmin

      September 9, 2014

      Beautifully said. Thank you for commenting.

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