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When You Should and Should Not Call Him

Fantasy Dater, Brittney, went on a date with Chris. They had a great time. After the date, she texted him a thank you. He wrote back that he had also had a good time.

A few days later, she called and left him a message, inviting him to a party that weekend.

On the night of the party, she still hadn’t heard from him. So, she texted him the party address and said she’d be there at 8:00. Around 9:00, after a cocktail or two, she texted him again, “We’re still here if you want to come by!”

The next day, she texted him again, “Missed you last night. I’d love to see you again soon.”

Let’s analyze that.

Brittney was doing fine until she didn’t hear back from Chris. Texting him the party address was not only unproductive, it made her appear desperate. Imagine what Chris thought when Brittney contacted him that third time. He probably felt like she was pathetic.

Think about how you would feel if someone you weren’t that into kept texting you? Would it pique your interest in them? No, it would most likely be a turn off.

The bottom line is if a guy doesn’t respond to you, do not contact him again. That is his way of saying he doesn’t want to see you again. Granted it’s not the kindest route to take, but that’s what it means.

It doesn’t matter how great your connection was or how much fun you had on the date. If he doesn’t respond to you, he’s not into you. Here are some basic phone tips:

1. Give him a chance to contact you. After you send your “thank you” text, you have a great opportunity to gauge his interest. If he doesn’t respond, you’ll know he’s not that into you. And that’s fine. Just move on. After all, don’t you deserve to be with someone who’s nuts about you?

Not enough to convince you? Here’s the bottom line. If you call him, you:

  • May appear to be over eager. Guys enjoy the chase. Give him the chance to chase.
  • Don’t know if he’s into you or not.
  • Don’t get to collect your three points.

2. Alternate calls. This should be very simple. Just because he calls you once, it doesn’t mean you can put him on speed dial and ring him up every time you think of him. If your last conversation was a call you returned, let him be the next one to call. Again, give him a chance to do some chasing.

When it comes to making calls, less is more. Alternate calls. As long as you stick to that rule, you’ll be golden.

3. No message = No response. Seriously. Here’s why:

  • It could be a misdial. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. How silly will you feel if you call him back and he says, “I didn’t call you”?
  • If he doesn’t think you’re worth leaving a voicemail, he doesn’t deserve a call back.
  • You don’t ever want to have to ask, “Did you call me?” It’s embarrassing.
  • Let a guy show you where you stand right off the bat. If he really likes you, he’ll leave you a voicemail.
4. Know When to Quit. It’s simple, if he doesn’t call you, you can’t call him. It doesn’t matter if you’ve gone on a couple great dates and he already invited you to his mother’s birthday party. If he stops calling, you stop calling.

It doesn’t matter if you think you had the greatest connection when you met and that all you need to do is get on the phone and then he’ll hear your voice and realize you’re the woman of his dreams.

It doesn’t matter if he’s the smartest, most gorgeous, funniest, most interesting guy on the planet, if he’s not calling you, you can’t call him. You’ll appear to be desperate. And desperation is not pretty.

What are some of your phone standards? What works for you?

   

Comments

  1. EmilyDazie

    May 5, 2014

    YOWZA! What a train wreck. Homegirl needs to learn how to play it cool! Less is more baby. Less is more.

    • fdadmin

      May 5, 2014

      Hey EmilyDazie! This player was brave enough to share her story so we could all learn from it. She now knows she could have been a little more subtle and has racked up some serious Fantasy Dating points since!

      • brenda burditt

        February 20, 2016

        I am the same situation , I am waiting for my friend to called, he was my first boyfriend 23 years ago, a few days ago I found him on Facebook, he told me he never stopped loving me, but I have not told him I still love him, I just don’t want to get hurt, anyways I am waiting for him to contact me , we talked last night

  2. Naledi

    November 6, 2015

    I am a Brittany. I did excatly what she did so I wont judge. *Faints*

    • fdadmin

      November 6, 2015

      Hey Naledi! Thanks for commenting. And nobody’s judging! We’re just learning from each other. So, now you know better. And when you know better, you do better! ;)

  3. Sweetspicy

    November 18, 2015

    So, I am wondering what I did wrong.
    Went on first date, he followed up right away and we went on second date. I was going out if town to Mexico for 5 days, but at end of date he said the date was great and asked if I wanted to go out the following weekend. I said yes, he said he would text what night.

    I did not hear from him and a week and a half later, I emailed him for an exit interview. I asked if he had any feedback on our dating experience. I was clear it was not for reconciliation, but for self awareness. I was shocked when he said he wanted something more mutual, had done the pursuing and had hoped to hear from me.

    I was shocked by this, apologized and we went out again.

    The date was great. Dinner out, making out and a good time. He asked me to text him I got home safe. I did. The next morning, in the spirit of mutual, I texted him simething playful and flirty saying the night was great and wishing him good luck on something. I did not suggest going out again. He responded enthusiastically about the night right away. But did not ask me out, I responded and said I would catch him later. He has now disappeared again. Wth?

    • fdadmin

      November 18, 2015

      First, you didn’t do anything wrong. Getting caught up in the mindset that YOU did something wrong is dangerous territory. Maybe think of it as wondering Wwhat’s going on with him”? Second, because he said he wanted something “mutual” and responded positively the last time you asked him out, it could be that he wants you to invite him to do something. Or it he could have disappeared because he’s just not interested. If it turns out that he expects you to do all the asking out and date planning, you have to decide if that’s something you want to do. Perhaps reminding him that he said he wanted something “mutual,” meaning 50/50, and that you enjoy being asked out too, would be appropriate.

      But as of now, he’s not making an effort. So ask yourself, “Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to make an effort to be with me?”

  4. Sweetspicy

    November 18, 2015

    Oh, when I apologized, I asked if it was a miscommunication, but was cool if it was not. He said he would love to see me again.

  5. Sweetspicy

    November 18, 2015

    Oh yeah, I had not played any games. I was very warm and responsive to anything he did to reach out to me. I was not overly available, but responded quickly and warmly and playfully. No reason to think I was not interested.

  6. Diane

    May 12, 2016

    It’s still a puss move for the guy to ghost you. Be upfront and tell the person you are no longer interested in continuing a friendship/relationship. It’s downright cruel to leave a person hanging and in limbo.

    • fdadmin

      May 12, 2016

      Hi Diane, thanks for commenting! We agree. Ghosting is lame. If you’re not feeling it, just say so!

  7. Vicky

    July 3, 2016

    I am seeing someone for a week who I really like, we said that we are girlfriend and boyfriend, and we already having sex. When we ar together he really is kind and loving, he cares and he make me feel safe. We have a lot to talk. but the problem is when we are not together. He calls me once a day and we talk for 5 minutes max and no texting. I don’t know if I call him or wait for him to call. I told him what i want and we talk about a ralationship . But i need more calling. I don’t know if I should tell hin that or wait. I really like him and I know he does too.

    • fdadmin

      July 3, 2016

      Hi Vicky! Thanks for replying. It’s great that you’re seeing someone you really like and that you’ve established that you’re girlfriend and boyfriend. It’s also great that he calls every day. It may feel like you need more, but have you asked yourself why? Is it a trust issue? What exactly do you want more of? And he is capable of giving that to you? Or is it something that you can find within yourself?

      Some people aren’t phone talkers, and if you ask for more phone calls, it may make him uncomfortable. You can tell him you’d like to talk more, but if he tells you he’s not comfortable with that, you have to respect that. It sounds like he likes you a lot – enough to call you his girlfriend and to call you every day.

      Every relationship is different. Maybe he’ll be excited to talk more if you express that need. Maybe he won’t. But if he’s not, don’t push. The last thing you want to do is be clingy. Clingy is not cute. (Check out this article for more on that.)

      Meanwhile, stay present! Enjoy the daily calls and the fun you have together rather than focus on getting more. Good luck!

  8. Karina

    July 25, 2016

    Good tips! A guy started talking to me out of the blue. We used to go to the same church but I hadn’t seen him in the three years! I invited him to a small group study and he started going. He started reaching out to me, and I’m not really sure if I’m interested. I like the tip about not calling back if he leaves no voice-mail. That’s what he just did: he called but didn’t leave a message. It’s a fine line because I don’t want to lead him on, yet I’m not sure what I think of him yet. Thanks for the good article!

    • fdadmin

      July 25, 2016

      Thank you for commenting! We’re glad you enjoyed the article. Sounds like you need a little time to see how you feel about him. Good luck! Let us know how it goes! :)

  9. Marie

    August 12, 2016

    Great tips.i have been texting this guy first and he responds most of the time fast.however i realize that i always text first and he never does. Should i continue to text first or wait on him to do it..but my fear is what if he never text back whilst waiting for him to text..

    • fdadmin

      August 12, 2016

      If a guy is really crazy about you, he’ll text you. That said, if he doesn’t text you, that’s probably a sign that he’s not really into you and that you should make room for someone who is. Ask yourself, don’t you want to be with someone who can’t stop thinking about you? Don’t you think you deserve that? We do. ;)

  10. Sia

    December 1, 2016

    Hi. I m quite confused about this friend of mine. So need some suggestions. We are friends from a year or so. Few months ago he proposed to a girl but she said no as she was already in a relationship.
    He told me this and when I asked if he felt bad about it he said not really.
    Then he asked me for a kiss. I was surprised but because he is damn smart and I did like him a little I didn’t say no completely. Then for sometime we didn’t talk about it. Few days later he invited me home. I felt good that I m important to him but I didn’t think about anything else.
    I went with one of my friends. Later while chatting he said that he had thought I would come alone so we could kiss. I was again surprised but it felt good.
    Finally one day I again went to his home (alone this time) and we kissed. Actually he never sounds desperate but interested.
    After that he sent me a lot of messages to motivate me in my studies as I felt depressed and couldn’t study. This depression thing had always been there and he knows about it. Actually he also feels like dat.

    Now he is not that frequently texting and whenever we are chatting he is the first to end the conversation from last 2-3 times.
    What should i conclude?

    • fdadmin

      December 1, 2016

      Hi Sia! Thanks for commenting. Sounds like a confusing situation. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself:

      - How do this “friend’s” actions make me feel?
      - Would I treat a friend the way this “friend” is treating me?
      - How do I feel when this friend ignores me?
      - What do I want from this relationship? Am I getting it?
      - What does my gut say about how this person feels about me?
      - Why am I okay with letting this person disappoint me?

      The bottom line is that you seem disappointed in this person and the way he is treating you and you have every right to feel that way. You’ve gotten a lot of mixed signals. And unfortunately, if he has disappeared, it shows that you’re not important to him.

      Perhaps it’s time to move on and make room for someone who thinks you’re really important, don’t you think? We think you’re worth it.

      • Sia

        December 2, 2016

        Ya..I think u r right…thanx for the suggestions

        • fdadmin

          December 2, 2016

          Glad we could help. Good luck on your dating journey. Let us know how it goes! :)

  11. Nessy

    February 10, 2017

    Hi,
    I can relate to the article. For my case,the past 2 guys that I have been attracted to have had issues with calling or texting. I broke up with the first one cause he used to take 2 weeks to respond to a call or text; though he was a busy doctor and politician and very single. I tried to understand, but when I couldnt take it anymore, my friends advised me to hit the road so I did, in as much as he used to say he loved me, but was painfully unavailable.
    The recent one, is some new person who is more of an introvert and very quiet. He is very nice when we hang out and have sex, then after that he disappears for like two weeks just like the other guy used to. He is also in a very busy profession and has issues with family which he doesnt want to talk about as well. Generally he is an introverted, depressed and sad kind of person, who I know is somehow hurting out of something, but he chooses to lock me out of his personal and family stresses. Since I like him, I just want to help if he gives me the chance. So should i text him or just dump his sorry ass, block and delete his number so that I can move onto the next one? And how can I be sure the next guy will not be of this type as the last two? My friends say that am the problem ,too impatient and demanding thus I tend to break up easily from a situation-ship thus letting good men go.

    • fdadmin

      February 10, 2017

      Thanks for commenting Nessy! It sounds like you already know what you should do.

      You recognized that the doctor wasn’t giving you what you wanted so you left. Excellent decision! Now, in your current situationship, ask yourself, “Do I want a situationship? Or do I want a relationship?” It sounds like you get calls and texts to set up a get together which usually involves sex and then you don’t hear from him again until he wants to do it again. So, ask yourself, “Is that what I want?” and “How does that make me feel?”

      Check out this article. It contains a list of questions to ask yourself to help you determine if someone is right for you. We actually wrote that article because so many people were reading the article we’re commenting on now.

      As for your friends, it doesn’t matter what they say. How you handle your relationships is your business. And if your intuition tells you something isn’t quite right, then it’s not.

      Another thing to remember is that doubt means “no.” So, if you doubt you should call someone, you shouldn’t. The fact that you’re commenting here means you already know the situationship isn’t working for you. Trust your gut. You’re on the right track! <3

  12. Kay

    February 27, 2017

    Hi! I came across this article and really appreciate the advise.
    I was talking to this guy that I knew from my youth (both middle and high school). We seemed to have a deep connection, and everything was fine until about 5 months into our dating that he scheduled a date and forgot about the date apparently because of his new high level job. Once he forgot, I let him know that he forgot about me, and he apologized profusely. However, he never rescheduled our date. I waited about 5 days before I sent him a text that I think we should just move on. He told me he was shocked and showed interest in moving things along (while, of course, still not making any plans). About a week or so later, on Christmas, I called him and we had a great conversation, where he told me to tell my family he loved them (strange, I know). He said he would come over to my house that week with wine. I had not heard from him all that week until New Year’s eve and by that time I had deleted his number. We exchanged a few texts and everything seemed okay. The next morning (while I’m still tipsy from New Years), he texts me and somehow the conversation moves to sexting. I mention that I was in bed (naked) and he asked for a pic. I sent him a pic for the 1st time ever, even though he has seen me naked a few times (we did NOT have sex in the 6 months we dated). I also told him he should see for himself, and mentioned that I hadn’t seen him in a while. He agreed and I sent another text saying that I was shocked that he even contacted me, that I was expecting to see him prior to that week and figured he was too busy, as usual. I’m sure this text hit a sore spot with him. He has not contacted me and I have not contacted him since then, which was two months ago. At this point, I know this won’t work since clearly he’s not interested in anything except sex BUT I can not stop thinking about him. I’ve thought about him as the scum of the earth and every possible bad thing I can think and he’s still in my mind. I’m certain that I deserve better than what he was giving, BUT he is still stuck in my brain. I’m a very busy business owner and community college instructor, BUT I still think about him daily (it’s distracting!!). At this point, I’m willing to do anything to get him out of my head so that I can fully move on and be present in my current relationship (and other things in my life). Will it be a good idea to call him, just to have this closing conversation that we never had? Or should I just continue to let time pass and LET IT GO (which I’ve been trying to do, but my mind won’t let me). It has been two months since I decided that I would not contact him again, but it’s eating me up that I still can’t stop thinking about him. HELP!

    • fdadmin

      March 10, 2017

      Sorry Kay, it’s hard to do, but it’s time to let him go. You asked if you should contact him and the answer is “no.” You are not going to get any information or any help moving on from him. It has to come from YOU.

      Here are some things you can try:

      -When he comes to mind, don’t resist it. What you resist persists. The more you try to shove him out of your mind, the more he’ll keep popping up. Instead, add an “and” to the thought. “That was such a wonderful moment and…now I’m in a good place where I’m open to meeting someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved.

      -Forgive him and forgive yourself. The bottom line is he hurt you. Whenever he comes to mind, try saying to yourself, “I forgive him and I forgive myself for allowing him to treat me that way.” It’s possible that constantly thinking about him is a subconscious way of beating yourself up. So why not forgive and stop?

      -Ask yourself why you’d want to be with someone who is okay with disappointing you. You might find that this situation has much more to do with how you feel about yourself than how you feel about him.

      We’re all evolving and improving every day. You can move on. You got this! :)

  13. Tumi

    March 7, 2017

    Hi

    I sent my last comment before I could finish typing it. Sorry

    Anyway, I met a guy a couple of years ago, a gentleman of note. But, I met him at a time when I had issues and I was very insecure so I pushed him away.
    I saw his profile on Facebook and realised how much of a big mistake I made and immediately told him about it after a few “Hi’s and How are you’s” on messenger..
    Well, to cut the long story short, we went on a date (he made me cook, is that normal?)
    The night was awesome I even gave it up(someone slap me, but I blame the vodka,lol)
    So I texted him the following day telling him about the vegetables I forgot to dish out the previous day, had a very brief chit chat about nothing significant and that was about it. I texted him again the following day… am I forward? Is this guy still interested in me? How would I know really? Did I give up my game too soon?
    I’m so into him, badly.

    • fdadmin

      March 10, 2017

      Thanks for commenting Tumi! You might want to try giving him some space. Give him a chance to miss you. Let him wonder what you’re doing. Let him text you. If you’re constantly texting him, there’s no sense of mystery. Instead, give him a chance to pursue you. If he likes you, he will. And you’ll definitely know whether or not he’s interested. Enjoy!

  14. Anna

    March 20, 2017

    Me and my ex broke up due to trust issues in our relationship, the bad thing is he lives 500 ft down the street from me so he is always on my mind; it sucks. We haven’t talked in a whole week and we used to text everyday; he also recently viewed my snapchat just this morning. We were really close and we left on a note of him saying “Life is long doesn’t mean we won’t talk again”
    And I said “So we won’t talk for awhile?”
    He said, “Idk”
    And I said “Well its up to you, I can’t ask shit”
    That was it, I had the last word–I’m so lost on what to do with him because I don’t want to seem needy but at the same time I do MISS HIM so much because I really really really liked/even LOVED him, he’s a very rare dude and a good guy…We broke up on 3/14 and just two days prior we had a 2 hr long convo on the phone; I really do want him back but I don’t know if the no contact rule would apply in this situation. We both haven’t called or texted eachother in 6 days…

    • fdadmin

      April 1, 2017

      Hi Anna! Thanks for commenting. So sorry to hear about the breakup.

      You’re hurt. Everything sucks. You feel like he’s got the power. So, the only thing to do is take your power back. Get busy living. Dive into whatever it is you love to do. Pack your life so full of activities that you don’t have time to check out snapchat or wonder what he’s doing. He’ll either freak out and come back wondering where you went or your life will become so busy and fulfilling that eventually, you won’t care what he’s doing. Focus on yourself and things will get better.

  15. naira

    April 21, 2017

    I have a friend, he said that he want to be a close friend with me. We’re keep texting everyday and also meet in the weekend. But one day, I didnt pick up a phone call from him. Next day, he called again and I said that I dont enjoy talking on phone. He was upset and said that that he just want to hear my voice because actually we hadnt see each other for a month. That time, I dont think he is someone special yet, just a normal friend. I have kind of phobia when it comes to a phone call. After a bit arguing each other, he said he is fine with that and will addapted to the way I am, just texting each other. Now, idk why but i think i miss him. Its been 2 months since the last we met and he never asked me out again. But still we keep texting but it is not as frequent as usual. And sometimes he really act hot and cold. As i know, he is busy right now, i know his agenda, so I keep it in my mind positively. The question is, is it okay if i initiate the phone call? I am really confused right now. Thank you…

    • fdadmin

      April 21, 2017

      If you want to call him, you can. But when you do, you may want to address your sudden change of heart about talking on the phone. Otherwise, he might feel like you’re sending mixed messages. (First you say “don’t call” then you call. That could be confusing.) So, maybe you say something like, “I think you may have been right. Talking on the phone can be more fun than texting. So, how have you been?”

      Good luck! :)

      • naira

        April 21, 2017

        Thanks for your kind advice :)
        But i have another question, is it possible that he’s playing a game right now? At the first seeing he acted cold, i used to think he might not interested any longer. But at the other side, i could assume he still trying to maintain cause he still send morning text, and act caring again eventhough its not frequent. And if yes, he is testing me, how should I act? :’)

        • fdadmin

          April 22, 2017

          It’s always possible that someone is playing a game. So, you need to listen to your gut and your body when it comes to figuring that out. How do his texts make you feel? If they make you feel good, great. If they make you feel weird or confused, then maybe you should let this go. Remember, love shouldn’t hurt. Dating should be fun. When it’s NOT fun, it’s time to move on.

          As for how you should “act,” you should act like YOU. Just be yourself. Try not to overthink what you and should and shouldn’t do or say and just be who you are. If he doesn’t like who you are, you most certainly should not be dating him. For more basic texting tips, check this out.

          Good luck! :)

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